Lice Patrol
by burbankstorylady
Summary: This is a crossover between another Normero fanfic and the movie The Switch. It is short and charming (biased, obviously) and although the idea for this crossover came from my imagination, the intellectual property must be credited to Bates Motel (tv show), The Switch (movie) and AngeloftheMorning1978 (fanfic writer on the site.)


_This is a one-shot inspired by the combination of __**It's Not **__**Forever**_ _by_ AngeloftheMorning1978 (_s/12877388/1/It-s-Not-Forever_) and the Jason Bateman/Jennifer Aniston romcom **_The Switch _**_(__IMDb _title/tt0889573.)

_The story **It's Not Forever** gives Normero a son called Julian. I love stories that give the couple a son, because most stories give them a daughter, understandably, given that canon Norma of the Bates Motel tv series totally wishes she could have had a daughter, like say, Emma Decody... Still, I always like a story that departs from conventional fantasy. Below, is just an idea I had for Julian in the lice episode of childhood, and how Normero deals with lice. _

**_It's Not Forever_**_ is really a tragic-sad-but-beautiful-in-a-tragic-and-sad-way story. Read it, love it, for sure, but prepare to have your heart ripped out and made to feel extreme emotional and mental pain. (Glorious, horrible emotional and mental anguish, no more no less.) **The Switch **is just very cute and charming, with lots of sweet stuff and, bonus, some hilarious one-liners from Jeff Goldblum. _

* * *

Norma Romero checked her list one last time before committing to the line to pay for her items at the CVS on the corner near to her Seattle residence. She had her facial products, Alex's shaving products, Julian's crayons... Her phone interrupted her perusal of her list.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Romero?"

"Yes?"

"This is Miss Sharkey, I'm the assistant teacher of your son Julian Romero's kindergarten class."

"Yes, I know you, Miss Sharkey."

"Right. Well, we're contacting several parents because there has been an infestation of lice among our students. Quite routine, of course. Happens every year. We just need you to come by as soon as convenient for you. Your son is in the infirmary."

"He has lice?"

"Yes, ma'am. He's one of the infected students. We've quarantined the infected kindergarteners."

"I'm on my way."

* * *

Norma's text to Alex: JULIAN HAS LICE. (She took the caps off, knowing how Alex hated that.) I'm at CVS now so I'll grab the lice medicine. It's a shampoo for his hair. Do you mind walking over to the school and bringing him home? They have him in quarantine with the school nurse.

Alex's response came in the form of his immediate actual phone call because he was too panicky to text with his shaking fingers: "SHIT NORMA! LICE?"

Norma: OK Alex I did say lice, not leprosy. It's bad, but not the end of the world. We can take care of it tonight and everything will be normal tomorrow, but we have to stay calm and do things in a very precise way. I've done this twice already. Both Dylan and Norman had lice. They got it at school too. They get in the kid's hair and reproduce and soon all the kids in the class have it.

Alex: Shit! Our son has reproducing bugs in his hair?

Norma: Yes. That's what lice are. They're parasites.

Alex: OK CHRIST NORMA, DO YOU THINK IT'S WISE TO BRING HIM INTO THE APARTMENT? SHOULDN'T WE BRING HIM TO THE ER?

Norma: Alex, calm down, it's not that big of a deal. Surely you remember having lice as a child?

Alex: Not really. I mean, yeah, I guess I do.

Norma: Right. Just go get our son and bring him home and strip him down. Put all his clothes in a plastic bag. Tie them up. Very tight. I'll wash them later, separate from everything else. Do you understand?

Alex: I think so. Norma, I still think we should take him to the ER.

Norma: No, Alex. He's not sick. He just has lice. Let's not make it more than it really is. We're not dealing with a hostage crisis in White Pine Bay and you're not the Sheriff. You're just the father of a child who has lice, parasites that like to take shelter in the hair of children roughly Julian's age. It's a one-time thing, he'll never have it again. Kind of like the chicken pox, which... oh baby, just wait 'til our son has chicken pox!

* * *

A prescription for the lice medicinal shampoo for Julian was waiting for Norma at the pharmacy in the CVS, the school doctor having already sent it to relevant pharmacies for the convenience of the parents of infected kids. Norma only had to walk a couple of blocks from the drugstore to the luxurious building where she and Alex lived and worked, respectively, as property manager and head of security. Norma was relieved that she got home first and that they weren't long to follow.

"Ok, what do we do, Mrs. Romero?" Alex asked, hauling their son into the apartment.

Norma groaned as she saw Julian scratching his head, clearly in a state of agony. She was ready with latex gloves on her hands. Alex couldn't help admiring how his wife took the reins and became as efficient as an army general.

"OK, we're gonna put your clothes in this trash bag, honey. Alex, go run the bathwater."

"Yes, ma'am," said her husband, turned on despite knowing it was highly inappropriate (and weird) to be turned on by his wife in this situation!

"Mom, what's in my hair? They said it was lice. What are lice?" Her son asked, furiously scratching his head.

"Honey, stop scratching, please? It'll make it worse."

Julian panicked. "Oh my god, mom, are they everywhere? Are they climbing all over my head?"

"Yes, they are. That's why we're getting you in the bath right now."

* * *

"OK, Mrs. Romero." Alex snuck up behind his wife in the laundry room, wrapping his hands around her waist and kissing her temple. "Our son is deposited, shower cap over medicine-smathered head, on the couch, in front of THE LEGO MOVIE. Are we officially a louse-free residence?"

"Not yet," said Norma, enjoying her husband's sexual advances, but too intent on the mission to reciprocate them. "We don't know when the lice attacked. They may have attacked him the night before, so they could be crawling over his toys and stuffed animals. We've got to plastic-bag everything in his room and tie the bags so tight the bugs will suffocate."

* * *

Nothing was above Norma's louse-inspection. Alex gladly followed the orders of General Romero. It wasn't like giving up control; it was just recognizing the expertise of someone who had done this twice before. Norma had singlehandedly guided two boys, Dylan and Norman, through the itching traumas of louse infestation. She did it in those instances without the help of a single living person, her husband John being long-gone and her husband Sam being a perpetually inebriated sack of crap, of use to no one or nothing in the universe, alive or dead.

Husband and wife combed through Julian's hair.

"That is so disgusting," said Alex, shaking his comb over the sink.

"Tell me about it," said Norma, expertly moving her comb through her son's wet hair.

"What?" Julian whined. "Are you guys gonna throw up?"

"No, honey," Norma assured him. "We're not gonna throw up. We're busy killing lice."

* * *

When they finally tucked Julian, louse-free, to bed, Norma and Alex decided to order a pizza. Norma took care of the food delivery via grubhub. Alex got on drizly to order a bottle of wine. They didn't do that kind of thing (order greasy food and wine online) but tonight they were exhausted and decided one night of lazy indulgence wasn't going to kill either of them.

"God, Norma," said Alex as he uncorked the wine. "Does it ever get easier?" (He knew the answer of course.)

Norma was busy forking their food out of the carton containers and onto a couple of plates. "What? Parenting? Don't ask stupid questions, Alex."

He poured each of them a glass of wine and sighed. "Sorry. I just can't believe how many infections and sicknesses our son has already gone through and he's barely five."

"Yeah," said Norma. "Dylan didn't get lice until he was seven. He was such a baby about it too. And Norman, oh my god. He insisted on collecting every single louse into a mason jar. He carried it around in his backpack for days. He used it for show and tell."

Alex laughed. "You're kidding?"

"Sadly, no. The teachers were freaked out. It went on until, finally, he put his dead lice on his mashed potatoes in the cafeteria."

Alex's eyes widened and he gaped at her. "Norman _ate _his lice?" (Suddenly, he wasn't so hungry.)

"Luckily, a teacher saw him in time to prevent his actually eating them. My point is, well..." Norma grinned. "Third time's a charm? This was a piece of cake compared to Dylan and Norman."

"Well," said Alex, taking his plate from her. "I'm glad your third was my first and last."

She grinned widely and winked at him. "Like I said, baby, just wait until we get to chicken pox!"

Alex groaned.


End file.
